Long-Time NDP Teacher Narrowly Escapes Alien Abduction


Weir, Elizabeth

Ms. Bartel, mid-abduction.

Elizabeth Weir, Co-Editor

An encounter of extraterrestrial proportions transpired last weekend at Notre Dame Preparatory School when Ms. Bartel, long-time coach and athletic director, found herself suddenly rubbing elbows with otherworldly beings.

“I was out on Yeardley’s field practicing my gym meet dance when it all happened,” said Ms. Bartel in an exclusive interview with the Gateway mere hours after the incident. She was quite shaken by the ordeal, but was able to compose herself for the sake of her worried fans. “I felt a presence looming above me and a great shadow covered the whole field… I looked up and I was surrounded by glowing light… I felt myself being lifted toward it… Then this blue creature dropped down and shoved me away! Honestly, I think they were looking for someone younger.”

The story may have ended there, were it not for the sudden intervention of a second witness.

Co-President of NDP Ambassadors and Honor Board Chair Clarisse Dapul ’21 left her laptop on the field on that fateful day. “I went outside and noticed the keys were left in the Gator. I know students aren’t supposed to drive it, but no one was around and my feet hurt, so I hopped in and drove up the winding path. As I made my way to the field, I caught sight of a terrifying blue and orange figure running up to Ms. Bartel… It had eyes like a chameleon and was using its four hands to try and push her around this weird, orange beam of light. I knew I needed to get her away. I snapped a pic — for posterity, you know — and then I floored the gas. Ms. Bartel jumped in and I, still at the wheel, turned us back toward the alien. I ran over its pear-shaped body and drove us away as fast as I could… I didn’t stop until we reached the Royal Farms. Ms. Bartel bought fried chicken and glazed donuts to calm our nerves. When we finally went back, there wasn’t any trace of what we’d seen…”

The NDP Forensics Team inspected every inch of the turf but found no trace of incident — aside from a trail of glittery red powder running from the spot Ms. Bartel was accosted to the nearby woods. Lab analysis will determine whether it is alien footprints, leaked fuel from the ship, or something else entirely.

Though the encounter was brief, it raised too many questions to be left until lab results came back. This journalist turned to a third witness to find answers.

Head of the One Love Club and self-proclaimed alien specialist Anna Seal ’21 was driving home on 695 when she witnessed the event: “I’m jamming out to Nicki Minaj in my Toyota Corolla just like any other day, so imagine my surprise when I see this massive orange square flying down over me. It was so big it cast a shadow over the greater Baltimore area.” Her account has relit heated “saucer-versus-cube” debates among the extraterrestrial enthusiast community.

Then the interview got interesting. “When it comes to aliens,” said Seal, “my knowledge is out of this world. I spend all of my free time studying different species and searching out nearby sightings. I have become so familiar with alien life that I can easily say this species comes from beyond the asteroid belt. It is a little suspicious, though, because typically residents of the outer planets have only come to Earth to complete business dealings with humans.”

Is Seal’s testimony alone enough to suspect that conspiracy is afoot? This journalist sought answers straight from the source.

“Why do you think the aliens targeted you in particular?” this journalist asked Ms. Bartel. “Does the NDP Phys Ed Department have any underground connections with extraterrestrials?”

Ms. Bartel hesitated before answering. “Well, I am sure we do…” said she, “but it’s not something we talk about very often. I think they are everywhere, don’t you?”

This marks the first discovery of evidence linking Notre Dame Prep to extraterrestrial activity. When these connections were established or by what mode they have been upheld is unclear. Ms. Bartel’s higher-ups have yet to comment.

Though some would brush it off as a chance encounter, Ms. Bartel believes this is only the beginning. “Maybe when the seniors are practicing out there they will come back… I think they are attracted to blue tunics. We could put someone on top of the field house to be a lookout and call Dan when they see the space ship. Dan will save us all.”

NDP students are advised to wear non-blue sweaters over their tunics during any future expeditions to the field, and to keep an eye on the sky — just in case.